My Husband Hasn’t Touched Me In A Month
Honestly, it’s not less than a dilemma for a woman to notice that her husband is not taking interest in sex. It can even get quite frustrating at times for her to hear her husband make excuses of how he can’t have sex or how he is so tired. Our minds are made to function like that, they will eventually jump to the conclusion that if our husband is not interested to go to bed with us, there is something fishy about it. For some women, it might even be as extreme as making them think whether they are not attractive enough anymore or whether their husband is having an affair.
My husband hasn’t touched me in a month
A couple of therapists of New York Cynthia Pizzulli, Ph.D. said that it is our social norms that make us think that it is not normal for a man to not want to have sex with you.
This may lead to you imagining the worst possible situations and might even lead you to divorce.
But in reality, changes in the frequency of sex in a week and sexual intimacy is reduced over time. It is normal. And you can’t blame your husband if you are married for over a decade and he puts you off once or twice in bed.
However, if you think that it’s not a one-time thing and things are getting seriously messy due to their unwillingness to be intimate with you, then you might need to take some action to resolve this issue, or at least comes in terms of what is happening.
According to Pizzulli a little or no sexual intimacy is not an individual problem, as it affects both of the partners in a relationship therefore, it’s a couple’s related problem. So instead of mourning over the fact you are the sole victim realize your husband may be going through some tough time and try to find out where the actual problem lies so that it can be solved to help your husband out.
Below are 6 reasons for what causes a lack of sex in your marriage and tips to make things better and refreshing in the room once again.
Priorities have changed.
Life is changing every second and it can get hectic and tiring at times. That causes a change in priorities. And if you have kids then it can make things more complicated and tiring as just taking care of their expense and other responsibilities is a great task in itself and can leave you exhausted and drained of any kind of energy by the end of the day.
As Pizzulli said that on coming back from a hectic day of work there can be only two things you want to do; either sprawl on the couch and surf the tv aimlessly or just call it a night and go to sleep.
Sex is not a task but it’s linked to emotions. So until your husband is not fresh and relaxed, sex may not even come to their mind even if they see you on the bed inviting and all.
Also, we tend to get more mature and responsible once we are married and settled down in our lives, therefore sex is not always on our heads.
She takes this explaining further why men’s priority change by an example of a caveman whose main focus before getting a woman is to get a woman. And once he has that his priority changes from having sex to moving out and bringing in bread. They might have sex now and then but it may not be their sole purpose. The majority of the men make work as a central part of their life cycle once they start taking responsibility for a family.
So to solve the issue here, you need to sit and think about it in a calm and composed it’s not a disaster which might have hit you in fact, it is very common and normal for priorities to change over time what with having more responsibilities and all and it’s same for both men and women alike.
Make romantic plans
Changing routines and shifting priorities is a fact, but it doesn’t lessen the importance of sex in life especially when you are having a busy schedule.
Planning for a romantic gateway in your week can work as a first step for it. Intimacy is not something you can have impulsively. We plan and decide everything in our lives so why not plan for this. Take your time aside and plan a date for Saturday night and don’t change it – or select a time when kids are not around so there might be fewer distractions.
My husband is not interested in my sexually due to a medical condition?
With aging, men just like women are a victim of many diseases- including diseases like erectile dysfunction (ED) and prostate cancer, both of these effect on sexual life in a very serious manner.
According to the author of the “Complete A to Z for your V” who is New York gynecologist Alyssa Dweck, MD says that ED eliminates the desire of sex from men. While prostate cancer may require a surgery that can make a changed definition of sex for the person.
Pizzulli said that we should understand what sex is, it is not just penetrative one of intercourse but a collection of many things, anything that’s intended for arousal. So due to medical issues, you might need to adjust with few things. Just remember that intimacy is not found only in shape.
A sex therapist Christine Milrod, Ph.D., residing in Los Angeles said that helping your partner means to provide all the support and affection to your husband and loved one in his medical problems. Be certain that he is having the required attention medically and emotionally at equal levels.
Seek professional help from a sex therapist
Once the medical problem is solved, you might want to give it a new start and might want to reach levels of sexual satisfaction and intimacy; you might try your ways or go for the couple therapist- they might guide you to find new ways of eroticism.
According to Pizzulli research, people can get injured in the process so it’s better if they seek help and guidance to find what’s erotic for you and intimate enough for your relationship with a whole new level of complete satisfaction.
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Sometimes things become more platonic when you are having a long relationship like more than 5 years and even so over a decade or more. Everything becomes quite familiar and repetitive for both of you.
Although it’s a good thing that you two are more relaxed with each other for sex, this is not so good.
According to Pizzulli’s research; Upon reaching a certain point in marriage when both of you are way too familiar with others, there might come a time that she calls “sexless marriage phase”. It is a point where you become more of a best friend and lesser of a couple, and intimacy somehow drops low in the relationship.
She adds that you might have been spending a lot of quality time together, what with sharing laundry and dishes together, binge-watching Netflix and all. But all of this is done in a more platonic way and intimacy is not ignited anywhere during these chores.
A Los Angeles psychologist Brandy Engler is specialized in relationships and sexuality and is also an author of “The Men on My Couch’ said that Man generally doesn’t roam around aroused. They need a spark for it.
Create an intimate space
If things reach this inactive mood then there is a need to create an active channel to bring back the romance and intimacies in your life. Put some effort to create and generate some erotic space. Pizzulli added that we should not assume that the things which caused intimacy and arousal 30 years back will have the same effect now; it’s in history and doesn’t have any spark left. You need to find a new way. Sex is like walking on a beach, hot and steamy. Go for a role play and dirty talks. It can be a big help for bringing things back to the romantic track.
Engler suggested that create time for each other daily. Decide some time when you don’t have to think or worry about anything else. Come out of your usual mind and body. Make time to go on strolling or meditate together. Plan cute, small romantic dates and dance together.
Overtime in a long term relationship, there might be times when things get quite stressful. The main reasons of stress in married life are often money and work. Milrod elaborated in his research that if even one partner in a relationship loses their job, it can be a great romance killer as anxiety kills all other emotions.
In a relationship you can’t always have sweet and friendly moments all the time; it’s common for couples to argue and fight over money or job security, but things usually get and should get back to normal in few hours or so.
Yet sometimes these arguments can damage the relationship and affect sexual attachment or desire with the marriage.
Milrod added that these little arguments can gradually kill the sexual relation completely. Men take emotional wounds as seriously as women do and sometimes wounds take longer to heal than expected.
Address the issue with maturity
The best way to deal with this issue is to deal with it directly and face on.
Dr Dweck said if this is not a temporary issue and quite distressing than deal it directly and sooner too before it can cause some serious damage.
According to Angler; attraction is subject to situations. We get attractive in reaction to conditions and circumstances. If things are not working between the couple then look at the current situation and see what needs to be worked out. It could be either health stress or technology. You need to adjust it to get back on track.
A shy initiator
As hard as it might be for you to believe but it’s true that some men are not as sexually aroused all the time as others. Women usually get hurt when they are the initiator for sex all the time as they might think that there might be some issue with them or their relationship if he is not the one who takes the initiative. Pizzulli says that it is not a complete picture of things.
If your husband is not paying attention to sex as he used to do before, there is nothing wrong with it. Take things slowly and try to understand where your husband is coming from. He might have too much social pressure to take all the initiatives and he might be overwhelmed by them.
Take charge yourself
If its shyness that’s what stopping you, then all I can say to you is don’t. It would have been nice and intimidating if your husband was the one to take charge all the time but right now, you need some action in your sex life, therefore, there is nothing bad in taking the initiative and getting intimate with him.
You can even provide him with some material that helps him to boost his confidence in initiating sex with you. Take in confidence and let him know by your gestures that you want sex.
My husband doesn’t want to sleep with me because of his low sex drive
The sexual desire of a man may decrease with time and it’s quite natural. Engler said that many men report having lesser sexual desires overtimes. It may have different reasons for it. Technology might be the reason where physical touch is not required for sexual arousal. It might be the testosterone level which decreases over time due to environmental factors which may result in a low sex drive.
Create new ways
The solution to this problem is not difficult, Engler states.
You can create new ways to arise sexual desire in your partner. Talk to your husband about what is his ideal situations for being aroused and sexual; what are his opinions and ideas about it now. If he needs some relaxation than giving him a romancing massage in a peaceful environment may work. Or he might be looking for an erotic role play if that is the case so ask him that how would he like that.
In the end, every small and big reason for refusing sex can be addressed and treated accordingly. But the key here is to take the initiative and address it as an issue. Then only will you be able to address it accordingly.
Pizzulli shared her experience by saying that people come to her office for consultation due to two reasons, the couple is either denying their situation or they are keen on avoiding it, thinking that that might make things ok by themselves. What they don’t realize is that it can only make situations worsen. So, if there is an issue that is causing a lack of sexual intimacy and attachment between you and your couple, it is better to address it immediately, before it gets too late and damages are irreparable.