My Marriage Is Falling Apart What Can I Do ?
There is no doubt that the majority of couples who are once madly in love end up breaking their marriages and get separated. This saying can be confidently supported by the fact that just in Western countries the divorce rate is 50% and this does not even include those couples who stay in extremely long relationships without getting married.
My Marriage Is Falling Apart What Can I Do?
What is it that causes couples to break up and walk their separate path? Where do things go wrong? Although there is no specific answer to this, as the reasons vary from couple to couple, however, there are still things that you can do to save your marriage from falling apart. So let us read further to find out how to pull your marriage back from the brink of breaking.
1. Take Action Fast If You Want To Save Your Marriage From Falling Apart
The overly repeated mistake that a couple does is to wait for things to get better on their own. They get into action only when things go out of their control and go so big that most of the time, it gets impossible to save their marriage. Therefore, as obvious as it may sound, you have to take action as early as possible. Never wait until both of you loses hope as well as any interest to save the injured relationship.
So what you can do is to take action of any complaint or misunderstanding among both of you and to talk it out. It may seem intimidating and challenging at times, but it can surely play a vital role in turning the tables around.
If finance is a problem, sort it out through proper planning. Keep your budget small and realistic. Don’t set too high or too low goals. Agree with a date in a month when both of you sit together and discuss your finances together. This strategy was discussed by Kate Northrup in her book called Money: A Love Story.
2. Understand that You Two Are Different People With Different Mindset
Although you love your partner and all, understand that you two are two different persons living together and do not have to agree to each other all the time. Notice from now on, when you debate with your partner over whatever thing, 9 out of ten times you are just trying to prove yourself to be right rather than see the humor in the situation and be happy.
You may be 100% right, but what’s the point of being right when it’s not making you happy? Try to take the situation lightly and in a fun mood and see the humor in the situation. Make sure that you make your spouse happy with your jolly attitude and not feel pinned to a wall even for a small act gone wrong. There is much-proven research that states that a person is capable of perceiving things into hundreds of different ways, so if a person understands and agrees to anything that their partner has to say is a miracle in itself.
So, now you know that your brain can make you misinterpret things, therefore, following your brain and sticking to a certain issue and trying to prove that you are right, you can take out any humorous facts about the situations and make the environment cozy and warm again. You both may be right, but try to see things from your partner’s perspective and get his unsaid messages.
Trust me, most of the time, you will realize how absurd and nonsense the situation and issue are that you and your husband both are fighting over. These childish quarrels can turn into one or both of you entering into a full-fledge argument and things can get messy, just because you were adamant to prove that your husband was wrong.
Therefore, the best thing to do is to ignore these petty issues and instead enjoy the different modes of expression in your relationship. It is highly likely to save things from getting any bigger, thus saving your marriage. You will be amazed that once you stop overreacting at some negative emotions, you are happier and more fresh than before.
Matthew Hussey, a dating coach also agrees that you need to stop being petty, and getting humor is likely to save your marriage life in the long run. He was reported to have said in one of his interview with NBC that, “The key to an amazing relationship is never stopped flirting with your partner and seeing them in a new light.”
Hence, having a good sense of humor is the best way to keep flirting with your partner, keeping everything fresh and hot between you two. You can even use this technique to wash over any unnecessary tension that your actions may have caused.
3. The Three Fundamental Pillars of a Marriage
A marriage stands on three fundamental principles; emotional connection. Intimacy and mutual benefits.
If your relationship has all these pillars aligned and stable, your relationship could be said to be balanced, healthy, and happy.
If two of any three pillars are holding tight then your marriage can be considered as a good marriage.
Even if you just have one pillar standing tall and high with all its mighty, your relationship is still sustainable.
There you go. Now you have it on the plate, served to you with a cherry on top! All you have to do now is to observe which pillar needs more of your concentration and efforts to make your marriage extra beautiful and healthy.
Pillar 1: Emotional Connection
First of all, an emotional connection is very important in a relationship for it to last longer. For instance, how long do you think a relationship can survive if there are no love feelings involved and all you can see is their bad qualities or qualities that you don’t approve of as being good?
It’s in humans’ nature as well as their heads are programmed to work in such a way that their prime focus is on things that you don’t approve of. After that, it moves on to further notice other stuff.
Therefore, you need to sort it out in your mind the main focus of what you want to derive, the best or the worst outcome of your marriage? Are you imagining situations where you and your partner break up or are you making your head disciplined enough to look towards opportunities for both of you? So if you want to improve your relationship with your partner, remember your tone of voice is the key to success as it is the tonality that gets an emotional reaction out of your partner.
Always appreciate and praise your partner’s efforts and try to focus just on bringing the best outcomes for everyone concerned. Don’t drag past into your arguments now and then where neither of you was at your best, instead be a forward thinker and forgive and forget easily. To get more emotionally attached, lift each other through your action, thoughts, and words. Create memories and shared experiences that will bring you both closer. For instance, you can go on a week-long vacation or a date night which is full of fun, excitement, and lots of love.
Pillar 2: Intimate Connection
By intimate, I mean your sex life.
You need to have a healthy sex life and keep things lively in the bedroom to make sure you are making a good and sound effort to a healthy marriage. If you or your partner are facing the loss of attraction and desire for each other, it means things are not how they should be. Because the major factor that differentiates friends and lovers is romance and sex.
The thing that keeps the romance alive between the couples is their attraction for each other and if that is missing, it can become quite difficult to maintain this marriage.
There is no proper rule or guide about how your body should react sexually so it all depends on you and your partner. It is reported that about 40% of people suffer from not getting a healthy and intimate relationship leading to despair and breaking of a marriage.
Most couples lack communication in their sex life and are unable to communicate their needs and wants their couple resulting in an ultimate disaster and emotional breakdown. It is the root cause of most of the couples not having children as lack of knowledge about the area that they should concentrate at the time of sex could lead to losing the erection or interest resulting in no climax. It is, therefore, crucial for you to know the area both of you need building sexual stamina in. This would ensure that your relationship strengthens through having the best intimate time together.
Sex is a basic common need of a man, just like water is for fish. Therefore, men are somewhat always ready to have sex and are very open-hearted about showing the affection and love they have for their wives. As a wife, make sure that you don’t make your husband feel that you don’t fancy being sexy with him again. Trust me, it is one of the biggest setbacks for most of the men and may make them confuse and feel complex in the bed as well as seek an affair elsewhere, where they don’t have to try too hard to get some fun night. As a wife, you must make sure that he is very much attached to you and work hard for making the intimacy pillar stronger.
Pillar 3: Attraction Alignment
Have you ever wondered why does love diminish somewhere after the marriage? Especially shortly after the honeymoon period?
That’s solely because we stop giving what we used to give to our partner. Whether it’s time, care and affection, or even respect and importance. We start getting selfish slowly and it causes a great deal of change in our behavior towards our partner.
It’s very mean of you to become complacent and still expect your partner to be attracted to you just like they used it to be. What happens is you destroy your image once you get lazy after getting married to the person you have wanted, you just stop being the best version of yourself and that leads to a loss of attraction from your partner.
It is stated by psychologists that the first thing one notices when they meet someone is their hair, regardless of gender.
So to once again attract your partner you may want to do something different and admirable.
Men are so fascinated by women’s hair that they just love them, yet they seem to get bored if they have to see the same hairstyle over a long period.
Ginie Sayles, who is an author of She Was a Bigamist advises women to change their hairstyle every other year. She realized this by her husband’s statement that said, “I’ve known this couple for many years. That lady is very nice, but she never changes her hair.”
In other words, men notice these kinds of things. So do women.
The problem is, that if a woman is taking care of her appearance and keeping her looks perfect, it may or may not be noticed by men. However, if she is not taking care of herself and roams around in stale condition, men are surely going to notice it and make sure everyone knows about it. So is the case with women. This is a very common trait in women to take notice of their man’s appearance and looks. So any effort made by a male partner or a lack of thereof will be noticed and taken account of by the female partner.
You need to give a lot in a relationship to make it yours. You have to be selfless and that is the only key. Being self-approbating is never a good idea in a relationship as it only creates more problems.
Make sure when your partner opens up to you about something that distresses them, never judge or leash back, as it has taken them a really hard time to say it out loud. Be considerate and give soothing advice. If you can’t think of any, just tell them everything’s going to be okay and that you would always love them. These words would not only relax them to the core but also make their love for you stronger and unbreakable.
You can go beyond the borders and stretch some hours for your alone time. In that, you can just lay under the sky and count stars or do something creative and fun, like learning salsa dance or some foreign language. Whatever interests you. By this, you assure that you don’t let your relationship, as well as your love, go stale and you try your level best to keep everything afresh.
I would recommend you to learn any kind of dance together. As it would teach you how to communicate through your body with your partner. It is a total win-win for bringing in intimacy as well as making the emotional bond stronger.
Tango or Salsa could be your choice as both of these let the male partner dominate. And once you have accomplished this, you can show your dance to your friends and feel proud to have accomplished something that your relatives have not.
4. You Need a Marriage Counseling Service If You Can’t Sort It All Out
Constant arguments in a relationship can damage marriage beyond repair. If you do not have three good moments together after every single argument, you are at a much higher risk of ending up alone. Therefore, arguments should be avoided as much as possible.
There is a great difference between wanting to be happy and being right all the time. You need to choose between one. If you focus your prime attention on being right all the time, you are likely to have become self-satisfying and don’t bother about your partner’s feelings anymore.
If a thing seems too much dispersed and you think that you can’t bring everything back together, seek marriage professional help. Although many people despise getting a mentor to talk it out for several reasons.
To be honest marriage counseling costs a lot of money and the truth is it’s ineffective if you’re looking for a professional who can help you get your marriage back on track, the only program that I recommend to my readers is the Marriage Fitness Program by Mort Fertel, he’s not a marriage counselor, he’s a world authority on the psychology of relationships and has an international reputation. He’s success rate is 90% which is pretty high compared to others so called marriage counselors. This guy knows what he does and has been in the business for a long time, so be sure he will help you save your marriage and get things back to normal like it used to be when you meet your partner.
Need a little bit of motivation? Click here to read the story of Chris Marshal and how he was able to save his marriage from divorce. Read This Marriage Fitness review by Mort Fertel
I’m sure you have heard of Kate Northup and Mike Watts, a very well-known couple in the industry.
Kate decided even before the marriage that they would seek a marriage counselor if needs be. Mike, being the typical ‘man’ was kind of reluctant to the idea of getting married help from a third person but gradually realized that it was only smart enough to take advice from a marriage counselor, just like he would take any career advice from a career counselor. It can be said that it was due to their counseling that they are still happily married to each other.
However, not everyone can advantage from a marriage counselor.
If your mind tells you to act stingy and save the professional’s fees, think about the money you have already invested into your marriage approximately $30000 on average, and further will as the divorce proceeds. So in short, getting therapy could prove to be relatively a cheaper option.
5. If Compatibility and Chemistry Are Not Present, It’s Better To Let It Go
Sometimes, it is better to let go.
I completely understand that you need to give your best to your relationship and try very hard to save what’s yours, but listen, as painful and heart-wrenching as it might be, it is better to lose that person than to lose your sanity…
If the main elements; the chemistry between you two and compatibility is not present, then it is better to go on separate paths.
Now, what is compatibility? It is when you and your spouse values the same or similar things or preferences. For instance, you and your partner may love to read books. Or both of you love to do something with the food, meaning both of you love the food culture. Even if you don’t like similar activities, it is still possible for you to have a compatible value system. For instance, if your partner loves watching movies and you love to write, both of you can simultaneously do what you like without having to disturb each other.
However, if you find out that both of you are entirely different persons with a completely different perspective of life, then it can become very challenging for you to continue this relationship, as with time, resentments will only grow more.
Talking about chemistry I have already discussed how being intimate in a room can help you rekindle the relationship with your partner, however, this is not a 100% guaranteed technique, as it would not work if even one of the partners is not willing to try to save the marriage. If you find that your partner is not at all putting any effort into saving the relationship, it can highly demotivate you and make you feel cheated on.
If your marriage does not consist of values, compatibility, desire to be together, and any profound chemistry then I suggest that it’s time to end this marriage. Remember that your life is a one-time gift and the journey of life becomes easy and more beautiful if you have clear set rules and compatible relationships.
Have you enjoyed reading this article? Was it able to answer your question, “How to save my marriage from falling apart? “If it did and you have something to say about it, leave a comment below.